|Shown in an art film theater
||Can be seen at any major movie theater and in cable
||Probably doesn't have subtitles, not sure about Das
|Has an unhappy ending
||The good guy will win
|Stars Meryl Streep or Leonardo DiCaprio. Most Tom
Hanks movies go here too.
||Stars Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood,
Tom Cruise, or Sly Stallone
|Involves terminal disease, accidental death, or other
Acts of God
||Includes helicopters or chain guns
|Very few people get killed, but if anyone does, they
will be chosen in the order most to least likeable, with truly unpleasant
types surviving for sequels.
||More than 10 people get killed
|Bores guys to tears, Brings women to tears
||Annoys women causing them to think the movie is stupid,
childish, or "trash."
|Requires that you choose to like a leading character
who you would otherwise consider loathsome if you met them in real
||Requires that you like a leading character that couldn't
possibly exist in real life.
|Involves the deaths of children.
||Involves men acting like children.
|Involves strong emotions not associated with violence.
||Involves strong emotions almost always associated
|Involves people doing painful things to themselves
for no good reason other than to make us cry.
||Involves people doing painful things to others for
no good reason other than to make us want to see them get killed
by the protagonist.
|Can be nothing but a love story, but modern films
of the genre will show some nudity to keep the men from walking
||Includes a love interest, but only to keep the women
from walking out.
|Wins Academy Awards, even better would be foreign
or art film festival awards.
||Requires ID to get in, never wins awards.
|Involves older actors who can no longer make Guy Flicks.
||Involves new unknown talents because most of the budget
is spent on effects anyway.
|Soundtrack is primarily orchestral, Enya, or non-existant.
Very few #1 hits should be played, and if they are, they must be
slow dance tunes.
||Soundtrack consists of really loud synthesizer and
|Films that involve dancing, especially ballet or modern
||Films that heavily emphasize the martial arts.
|Angst, Joy, Bliss, Love, Crushing Disappointment
||Anger, Lust, Greed, Satisfaction(Oh yeah, baby!)
|Romantic Decor: Bathrooms with 1000 candles, candelit
||"Say hello to my l'il frien'"
|Clever. Intelligent. Woody Allen.
||Visceral. Can damage your hearing permanently if played
at realistic volume levels
|Pretentious. Full of itself.
||Knuckle dragging. Shamelessly extracting dollars because
"No one ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence
of the American public."
||Red Meat Rare.
|French. European. Sensitive.
||American. This is why George W. is serving 2 terms.
It's how we think over here and its why we are the World's Only
Superpower--because we are Red Necks and damned proud of it!
- Saving Private Ryan: It's become trendy to take all
the war movie sub-genres and remake them into epic Chick Flicks.
Tedious, but girls can enjoy them a lot more and the film industry
can overcome the fact that they are frequently bankrupt of any inspiration
- Bladerunner: Here is a movie that has a difficult
time finding an audience. I'd call it a Guy Flick for Sensitive
Guys. I must be one, because it's one of my favorites.
- The Talented Mr. Ripley. A Chick Flick for Action